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Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Top 10 Things To Do In Social Media (NOT!) :-D

1. If anyone calls you on bullshit, and they happen to be right ~ just make references to "haters." It won't defend you or fix your BS but people will feel sorry for you and forget your BS. For now.

2. Be sure and listen to people with 80K+ followers who tell you who to follow or "un" follow ... after all they paid good $$$ for their followers so they know best.

3. Write blogs about the top 30 people on Twitter, you know, the usual suspects ... who will then write one with you and the other 29 idiots. Oh scratch that, you won't be on the list. Nor should you want to be. This especially holds if you're a 4k follower wannabe ... make sure your list is all 80K+ follower people ... if half of them RT you, YOU JUST HIT A MILLION PEOPLE. Especially if you DM them and say "Hey, you're on a blog, pls RT." The fact you never actually TALK to those people is irrelevant. Perception is everything. God I love math.

4. Remember ... Social Media is about ENGAGING ... so never mention your hopes, dreams, what you do ... last thing we want around here is people actually making money. Instead, blog about being poor but seeing the riches in life that aren't monetary. And then send some rainbows everyone's way. Or become a guru, make a DVD about engaging, and teach others. Yeah, that's it.

5. Send 1-2 tweets per day to EVERY SINGLE Twitter FOLLOWER saying "Good Morning." Not only will it improve your Klout score, but if you have 5,000 followers and send 10,000 tweets, LOTS of people will unfollow you ~ tomorrow you'll be down to 1,000 followers, so you'll only have 2,000 tweets to send.

6. No time to sit there like a chimp all day because you have a life? No problem ... that's why God made auto-tweets. They count toward Klout too. I'm getting misty.

7. For Males: Be sure and call LADIES "hon, babe or sweetie." They'll probably see you as the sexist pig you are & hate it ... but other GUYS will think you're a stud.

8. If all else fails, talk about Jesus, therefore "guilting" the people who are getting more sex than you into thinking you're worth following for "affirmation." If anyone objects, see #1.

9. Never be real or take a stand on anything. You'll notice the "honchos" never talk about issues, politics, or feelings about liberty, human rights, hell - even a computer operating system. If people wanted truth they'd be like me, have a list of "newsfeeds" and be reading headlines along with their friends' tweets they ANSWER :-)

10. AND MY FAVORITE: Be sure and DM people, 2-3 times a WEEK, to ask them for things. Projects of YOURS that THEY need to invest their time in, things you're working on ... it doesn't matter if it never comes to fruition. The important thing is those people WORK FOR YOU, so feel free ... but never do anything for them in return unless they use the secret handshake or hashtag. People will forgive you because they realize you're still living your high school days, and were never allowed to be window monitor.

I hope you enjoyed this non-advice, and both got my drift and got a laugh. I had to eliminate 5, some involving weirdos adding you to GooglePlus circles and of course the FOREVER HILARIOUS FaceBook ... that's a trainwreck all by itself. I LOVE TWITTER ... but after 2 years of "been there, done that," forgive my cynicism. It's so hard seeing newbies follow some of these do-nothing crooks & BS artists like lost sheep trying to figure out which shell the peanut is under. Just be yourself. The MARVELOUS thing about Twitter is that it can be anything YOU want it to be from advice source, alternative to a Google search for information, news feed, chatroom or (as I found) a way to make friends you'll have the REST OF YOUR LIFE. But don't get caught up in the "wannabe member" club(s). It's not only a waste of your time, it may cost you REAL friendships with people who "have seen the light."

Be safe and see ya on the gridski. I actually ANSWER all at replies and THANK people for RTs, because in my mind BOTH are a gift.

Best regards
Paul / @PaulBritPhoto

5 comments:

  1. That was hilarious - thank for the chuckle.

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  2. Nice Take , i am a newbie on twitter so yea i was feeling some of that..

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  3. Love, love, love the post. I'm into connecting one-by-one in an attempt to separate the drivel and BS from people who actually make a difference, and I generally make it a point NOT to follow back folks with more than 40,000. Those people have no intent to connect--I'm just a number in their game.

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  4. Oh, Paul, you have me in tears! Good tears; I needed this laugh today. :-) From the standpoint of an instructor, though, one who has just finished grading 96 final exams, I feel obligated to point out one thing. How many people who read this do you think are Not going to even notice your use of the word "NOT," and who therefore are going to go out and do everything here they think you said for them to do?! If my students through the years are any example. quite a few!

    Peace, not picking at you, just pulling your leg. :-)) hehehe I'd love to be a fly on the wall seeing them do it! ;-)

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  5. Paul, you are too funny!! I needed a laugh and this really did it. #6 was my favorite. Thanks for the much needed laugh.

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